MEDICINE:  TRUTH IN DEFINITIONS

Ideas & Definitions by Bert Seelman

Grammar & Style by Mark Parsons

A euphemism is an indirect, usually polite, way of referring to a disagreeable, if not morally repellent, aspect of life. It’s common to hear euphemisms when discussing things like death, sex, and defecation. For example, we may hear that someone “passed away.” The vast majority of adults recognize this as a reference to death. Only very young children, or mentally slow people, might ask, “passed where?” Or when a woman excuses herself from a dinner table to “go powder her nose,” no one is thinking she’s going to literally powder her nose (anyone in Miami excepted). Or when we hear a reference to someone who has recently “bought the farm,” no one is actually wondering why the person in question suddenly decided to withdraw all of his savings and make a down payment on a career change that’s dubious at best.

            However, sometimes euphemisms persist for such a long time that people actually become convinced that the euphemism, however colorful and obviously exaggerated it may have been, at least in the beginning, has now become accepted as the thing itself (see coke-whores in Miami, or just re-watch Michelle Pfeiffer in Scarface). This kind of unintentional irony may be amusing to the more enlightened among us, but can prove hazardous for those foolish enough to take them at face value.

            It is in this spirit of public-minded beneficence, that I would like to offer up a re-fresher on the euphemisms in a field that is certainly of great interest to all of us. The field of health and medicine has for too long been handmaid to a wide variety of euphemisms. Furthermore, there’s not a day—nay, an hour—when I can open my internet homepage without seeing heavily circulated articles on the subject of healthcare, health insurance, or medicine in general. Understanding that this is a field of great interest to both the public and politicians (politicians always being slavishly attentive to the concerns and general well-being of the public), I now humbly offer up a brief guide on decoding one of today’s more common euphemisms, “medicine.”

All medicines are of a class, which has multiple qualities by which they can be reliably identified to the knowing consumer. The FIRST and most fundamental aspect of ANY MEDICINE is…

• It acts as a socially-accepted and SOPHISTICATED poison (Yes! There’s nothing that quite raises one’s status in the eyes of the pet-sitter rifling through your medicine cabinet, than a wide array of small plastic bottles with bold black type that says “5 Mg” or “25 Mg,” each one with a vaguely new agey-sounding name that inevitably includes a w, x, or z. So forget about that new iphone and get to the nearest doctor with a name that only an Indian who won a spelling bee could pronounce).

Next, all medicines…

• Are a chemical concoction designed to “cover up” an irritating symptom. This masking of the symptom is a necessary aspect of any medicine because it diverts the consumer’s attention away from the 1^st quality, which is to SLOWLY POISON the consumer, but doing so in a way that both raises your esteem in the eyes of all the drunk dinner guests rifling through your medicine cabinet AND makes whatever irritation led you to consult the so-called “doctor” in the first place. While this state of affairs often leaves an individual mistakenly believing they have been healed, it does provide a ready contrast should the sucker—oops, I mean “patient”—ever decide to try to ween himself off the juice.

• ALL MEDICINES are conspicuously lacking any ingredients that would accidentally restore, rebuild, revitalize, or otherwise lead to some inexplicable improvement in the patient. Furthermore, there are ALWAYS many, many added negative side effects. This ensures that even if by some miracle the consumer shows some improvement with regard to the original symptoms, there will be many, many more that will probably arise in its wake. These side-effects can rarely fit on the label of the bottle itself, and will frequently be printed in 6 point (or smaller) Arial font, on both sides of piece of paper that’s been folded more than 7 times. This piece of paper is usually about the size of a postage stamp, and by virtue of the folds (both half-wise and accordion-style) nearly as thick. This results in a dexterous illegal factory-worker somewhere stuffing the list of side effects down in the cardboard box U-wise. While this design is very useful for exempting the medicine company from any legal liability, it does place the burden of having a pair of needle-nose pliers handy on the consumer.

• MEDICINES are not only socially accepted (often shared), but elevate the status of the prescribee, allowing him to be a member of the much-ballyhooed “victim class.” That’s right! Just because you’re not black, or brown, or illegal, or some kind of degenerate who aspires to dress in drag and read picture books to little straight children at the local library, doesn’t mean YOU can’t have membership in this prized demographic. Also, should the patient survive the long course of symptom-masking, side-effect causing “suicide agents,” THEN you may become a member of the crème de la crème—yes! YOU will then be eligible to wear a STUPID SHIRT, or as they are euphemistically referred to, “Survivor” t-shirts (corresponding hats, visors, pins, ribbons, and bumper stickers are also available).

• You’ve heard of Pay to Play, right? Well, all MEDICINES obey the law of P4P, or rather Poison For Pay. Furthermore, this aspect of Medicine follows the important law of Poison on a Continuum. That is, the more costly the “medicine,” the more POISONOUS. This is particularly important when it comes time to redeem your foolishness, vanity, and selfishness (not to mention self-inflicted suffering) for your Stupid / Survivor t-shirt.
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• The last and most important way to identify a MEDICINE is the source. Medicine is usually prescribed by egotist. The egotist is reliably identified by a white coat, a stethoscope around his neck, illegible handwriting, and a dismissive air of scumbag-entitlement and condescension which would otherwise be found only in 3^rd world shitholes that have yet to abolish their sentimental attachment to the more rude aspects of some caste system. Often the lying egotist is referred to as “Doctor” by his staff and patients.

IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER –

 A  CURE….= ANYTHING THAT REMOVES THE IRRITATING SYMPTOM

TO HEAL…= ANYTHING THAT RESTORES TO THE ORIGINAL

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